TGIF!!! AGAIN

Sorry for the lack of originality on the title, but I am just so glad that it is Friday again.

Thank you all for your comments. The last two days sucked terribly!!! But today, I'M BACK! I am in a much better mood. I really think it is the sun, I feel like we have had such a cold & long winter here in MO and I am SICK of it!!! I am so ready for spring. It is 50 today & supposed to be 65 tomorrow & I can't wait.

Weird & maybe even gross question for you all. Have you ever wondered why they call spotting spotting??? I don't know about all you, but when I think of spotting, I think of red polka dots on my undies. Okay so that is not happens in my world & so I never get the spotting comment. Mine is more of a light brown flow, IS THAT NORMAL??? I am really sorry to gross anyone out, but I have always wondered this & I finally feel a bit okay to ask you all. I haven't started my period yet, but for the last week I have had light flow & it sucks, b/c it isn't even part of my period, meaning my cycle hasn't started yet. I am so ready to start this next cycle and definitely ready for my light flow to go far away & never come back.

I will end on that.

Have a great weekend!!!
Beth

Annual AWFUL Gyno Exam :(

So a while back I had received a letter from my gyno letting me know I should have my annual appt. in Sept-Oct time. I kind of put it off since I was seeing the fertility specialist at that point & thought (hoped) I would be pregnant soon. Well than my freaking miscarriage came along last month & so I thought I better get in there.

Well about a year ago I found out my gyno couldn't be my OB when & if I get pregnant b/c of my insurance. I didn't want to change it b/c it was free for me through my work & so I was going to deal with it. He recommended other OB-GYNs for me for when I would need them.

So I called a few weeks ago to schedule an appointment, only to find out they no longer took my insurance AT ALL!!! I was so disappointed. I was finally having decent days at that point, but that really brought me down. I would now have to go talk to someone I don't even know or feel comfortable with about what was happening with me. So I took him up on the recommendations he had given me a while back & made an appointment with one of them, which was yesterday.

So I am PMSing as it is, but then to have to go through with the good ol' pap smear just sucks, however, it wasn't as crampy as it has been in the past, so that is a bonus. So on to the breast exam. I have recently felt a lump in one of my boobs, which I mentioned to him. He went on to say that it was a cyst and that they would have to try to suck fluid out of it. Great, now I'm scared of something on my boob & I also have to have him check my va-j-j. Perfect. Like I said the pap smear was a breeze, and luckily he was able to get all the fluid out of the cyst which means its normal he said & he wouldn't even have to test it. So I am feeling lucky about that.

I treated myself to Culver's (excellent burger joint) afterwards to make myself feel better, even though after eating that huge ass double cheeseburger, fries & drink I think I felt worst, but it was delicious!!! The rest of the day I just felt awful. PMS really brings me down for a couple days and that is what I am experiencing right now. It was the first night that I have had tears since I have come to grips with the miscarriage. I am just so ready for something to happen.

I am also really bummed b/c I was supposed to get my hair done (dyed, highlighted, cut) today, but one of Jeremy's relatives came in town & so we are going out to dinner. I am really excited to see this relative b/c she is my absolute favorite, but I just really wanted to get my hair done too. I am going to Chicago next weekend for a friend's bachelorette party & wanted to have it done for that. She said she could do it next Thursday & so I changed it to that, which still allows me to have it done before Chicago, but the day before. I used to have blonde hair and last time I did this (dyed it to my original color, dark blonde - light brown), I didn't like my hair for a week or so & so to have it done the day before I leave I am really scared. I think I might even cancel the appointment and wait.

I know I am complaining & whining, but that is what my PMS does to me. Nothing is right or can make me happy during this brief period.

Thanks for listening!!

Have a great day & week.
Beth

Meme #1

I got tagged last week by Jen, so here we go with my first meme.

Rules:

Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
Open the book to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag five people.

I am reading "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom. He is the guy that wrote "Tuesdays with Morrie" which I haven't read btw & need to.

Page 123:
Was Pittsburgh really scouting me?
"What if they are?" he said. "It don't change what you gotta do, Chick.

This book is about this guy Chick's life completely falling apart and when all is lost & he tries to kill himself he gets the odd opportunity to have one more day with his dead mom. I am not done with it yet, but it really makes you want to cherish each moment with your loved ones, b/c we don't know when our time will run out.

Okay, I am going to tag Fertile Yet Infertile, Nancy in The New Life of Nancy, TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP, Amy from Where to go from here, and lastly Heidi from Thinking Miracles.

And I don't know how to attach them as links, so somebody please share.

Thanks & Enjoy.

Have a great day & week.

Beth

To Tell or Not To Tell Is The Question???

Well first off, happy Monday everyone. I am not glad to be at work, the weekend went by WAY too fast. We did go see that Vantage Point movie, I strongly recommend it to others. You were on the edge of your seat the whole film, which ended up only being about an hour & 20 minutes. It was good.

So I have been thinking alot lately about this blog and how and if I want to share it with my family & friends. I have been pretty open with them about my infertility up until after our miscarriage. I was so upset & disappointed with last months results that this month I had a really hard time keeping everyone up to date b/c I was scared of the pressure I would be under again. As it turned out, like you all already know, my eggs were on my bad side & we ended up not being able to go through with IUI #2.

I have an extremely hard time opening up to people. You would think that it might be easy growing up with 4 sisters and great parents, but I just don't know how to share my feelings very well w/o feeling judged. The only two people that I feel like I have been able to completely share all my feelings with were my boyfriends, one now being my husband. I don't know why I could share everything with them, I guess it was because I was & am in love and felt the closeness you feel with someone that you love like that. Obviously I know now I can share anything with my husband & I am glad that our communications skills & relationship are solid. I just don't know why I am so scared to trust my other loved ones with my heart & feelings. I think it is b/c I have such a hard time trusting people, and I have no idea where that came from.

So anyway I really want to open my heart up not only to my new friends online that I feel comfortable with & feel I won't be judged, but also to my friends & family. The main reason I am so worried is b/c of what I talked about in my first blog again. I get really REALLY high expectations for EVERYTHING & get let down REALLY hard when things don't go my way. I am worried about people in my everyday life knowing every detail about our reproductive life as it unfolds. I am worried my friends & family knowing about doctor's results before I am ready for them to know. I am worried about getting pregnant & having everyone know & not being able to have the big surprise that I have always wanted in telling my friends & family.

I am trying to weigh the pros & cons with this decision & am not sure which side weighs more!!! I know I spoke with Maria about this, & really appreciated her insight. I would also love to hear what others have to say about this & what you all have done.

Thanks for listening & have a great day & week!

Beth

TGIF!!!

So THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!! I am so over this work week. Luckily I worked overtime Wednesday night so I am out of here at 1pm. Then it is off to Costco. I love that place.

No big plans for the weekend yet, I think we are going to go see Vantage Point tomorrow night, I hope that is the correct name. I am into action and drama movies. Oh and I forgot, big day with the in-law grandparents on Sunday. Jeremy & I will be traveling to see both.

I don't have much to say today. Just still playing the waiting game. It is funny that when you know you aren't going to be pregnant a month, all you can do is wait & hope to start your period, and then the other months you are hoping & praying that your period won't come back for 9 months. This month has been nice though. It has been nice to try & procreate w/o the stress of trying to procreate. Well if that made any sense. I have enjoyed the sex without the pressure!!! I felt like last month at times Jeremy & I were like okay do me & get it over with. That is so awful, but for me that is how it was by the end. I hope I am not the only one in that boat.

So I read my first two blogs yesterday and realized there where quite a few grammatical errors. Sorry bout that. I type fast and type as my thoughts come out. I know my thoughts are confusing in my head, so I can't imagine what it is like for someone else to try & understand them in writing. Oh well. I think you all got the gist (spelling?) of it.

Okay well our internet has been down & I have been too lazy to mess with it so I probably wont' get to chat again until Monday.

Have a great day & weekend!!!
Beth

The Rest of My Story

Well she called that day to let me know the test was positive. She also said that my hormone level was a little low, but it could be b/c I ovulated a day after the IUI. It all made sense to me, b/c I had ovulated a day later, they were going to be closed on New Year’s Day so I decided to go a day early. She told me to not get too excited yet, but that I was pregnant and I would need to get blood drawn again in a couple days. It was such a mix of emotions. I called my husband immediately crying hysterically telling him the news.

So the next two days we were on top of the world, I even went out and bought “What to Expect When Expecting.” I couldn’t hold the excitement in, it was our first pregnancy and after all the time we had waited it was incredible. I had blood drawn again two days later, she called hours later to tell me my hormones had stayed at the exact same level and that I had had a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage). I was devastated. She hadn’t even mentioned that possibility two days prior, how could this be, what did it mean. I was a wreck; I left work immediately and stayed in bed the rest of the day. I just kept thinking of how excited I had been the day before.

In the 3 weeks following our bad news, I had my blood drawn about 2 times a week. The week after she told me my hormone level had increased, but it was about what it should have been the week before. She said that it was probably the peak for my hormones, and that in the next couple days I should start my period. The week after that my hormone level increased again, she again told me that this was probably the peak and that I should start my period. At this point, I was peeing constantly (more than usual), my boobs were more sore than they had ever been before, I was very crampy and I could feel myself gaining weight. I know the weight could have been from all the food I was using to console myself, however, all the other things were pregnancy symptoms. It was so hard for me to have symptoms when I knew that I wouldn’t have a baby in 9 months. I also began to feel as if maybe I hadn’t miscarried yet, and even though I knew it wasn’t a good pregnancy, I felt like maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy. During the third week of getting my blood drawn I asked her these questions, and she let me know that if my hormone levels didn’t go down that I would have to get some shot that would terminate the pregnancy, and that yes, they were kind of treating as a ectopic pregnancy. I was nervous about the injection, b/c I kept wondering what if I get this done, but it really was an abnormal good pregnancy. Luckily at the end of the third week I did start my period, and so my body was starting to come back around. Those three weeks were pretty hard on me & J. I know I wasn’t much of a wife those few weeks; all I wanted to do was lay in bed & have him bring me home food. I would have a good day followed by a really bad day, and though not many people knew what was going on with us our families did. I could feel at times people not understanding my disappointment when the miscarriage happened so early in the pregnancy. But I was really depressed there for a while. I felt so bad for J, b/c he had to be there completely for me, but I know he was disappointed as well. He was so great though, he was always right beside me and very affectionate during that time, I really don’t know what I would do without him!!!

So after I started my period I still had to give blood to make sure my hormones were below zero. Luckily they were by day 5 and I was able to start a new feritiliy drug. I had been on Clomid for 7-10 cycles, I can’t remember, that she thought it would be a good idea to try something different. I can’t remember the name now, but I will get back with you about that. J & I decided not to tell our families every detail this time so I didn’t feel so much pressure at the end of my cycle. We decided that this month we would go all out, we would do the fertility drug, the ultrasound, the injection to start ovulation and then IUI #2. I went in for my ultrasound a couple weeks later to find out I had 2 ½ eggs, yet they were all on my bad side. She said that we couldn’t do anything else this month; we would have to wait until next. I was bummed, however, I was kind of relieved to find out the way I did rather than having to undergo IUI #2, w/o knowing there was no possibility of getting pregnant, waiting those two awful weeks only to find out that we weren’t pregnant. It was so much to hear this way and so J & I decided from now on this is the route we will take each month.

So as of today I am waiting to start my period. I have a week & ½ to go and then I will start new fertility drug round #2, and then I have to wait another 2 weeks to find out whether the eggs like or dislike me that month. I read someone else’s blog about how infertility is living in 2 week increments, and it is SO true. I don’t think anyone would understand unless they have or are going through this.

So this is the beginning of my blog life, welcome, and enjoy the ride!!!

The Journey Begins!!!

I have so much to say to explain my background that I will put it in 2 posts; otherwise, you will be sick of me before you even get to know me!!!

Welcome to my “Taking Chances” blog. I feel like each month I have to try to take chances with fertility b/c the prize is so grand and worth it in the end!!!

I was one of those girls growing up that couldn't wait to get married and have babies. I grew up with four sisters and great parents, and I always knew I wanted to follow in their footsteps with a large family of my own.

I met my husband the first week of college and we were pretty much inseparable after that. We married in July of 2005. At that time we had decided that we would wait until our 2 year anniversary to start trying for a family.

After seeing two of my sisters’ struggle with infertility I began to get very nervous. I was able to persuade him to start trying in December of 2006. That was 14 months ago and today we are still trying. In the past couple years I have had very irregular periods. After about 11 months, being on Clomid for 3-4 cycles, and the spermies being normal, my OB-GYN decided it was time for me to see a fertility specialist.

After researching a couple doctors I decided to use my sister’s specialist, since she was able to get pregnant through IUI with his help and he was the least expensive. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my insurance doesn’t cover ANY infertility costs. Talk about a real bummer. But we knew whatever we paid would be worth it so we made an appointment.

We did our consult in October 2007. My doctor at that time thought that I should have a HSG procedure. We did that the last week in October. HOLY COW, I could have never even imagined the pain I would experience. My other sister who is also having problems had already had this procedure done, she told me that it hurts when the dye is there but that is only for a few seconds and then you just feel cramping. Well I have severe cramping the first day I start my period, so I was thinking no big deal. I am so glad my hubby was able to be there with me b/c I could barely stand afterwards. They found out that one of my tubes are blocked, so she kept having to inject more dye to try to blow through the blockage. I was in the most pain I had even been in in my life. I kept thinking I know it has been over a few seconds and why is she still going. And then she wanted me to move around and cough, I was thinking “are you kidding me?” Anyhow, when it was finally over she explained the blocked tube and that we would still be able to try IUI we would just have to wait for the months that the eggs were on my good side. The funniest part is that after she was done, I practically fainted, yet all I wanted to do was poo. I think I shocked the nurses, but I mean when you gotta go you gotta go. My poor husband had to hold my head up while I was in there b/c I was so faint. Sucked then, but pretty funny now to think about it. He must love me A LOT!!!

So the doctor had told us after the HCG procedure most women get pregnant w/in three months. I really wanted to believe it, however, my sister had had the procedure more than 3 months before I did w/ no blocked tubes & still no baby for her. I was never but willing to try it out for a couple months.

By December I was ready to start IUI. I just couldn’t wait any longer. We did our first cycle of IUI on New Year’s Eve 2007. I was so excited and nervous. J, my husband, was quite humorous when talking about all the colorful porn mags they had for him to choose from while doing his part of the procedure. The nurse explained everything to us and we left feeling quite hopeful. I am the type of person that builds myself up so much for things, and then usually gets let down when they don’t happen the exact little perfect way I had imagined them. B/c of this, my husband kept having to remind me that it might now work the first time.

Anywho, the two weeks after that were awful. I am impatient as it is, but to wait for something like this just really sucked. I thought about it the most when I was sitting on the pot peeing for some reason, but that is a lot for me b/c I have a small bladder. The two weeks were finally up in the middle of last month and I went it to get blood drawn. I had been experiencing a lot of cramping but it seemed different than usual, my normal remedy of 3 Aleve wasn’t working. I also had very sore boobs. I had already told myself, I was getting ready to start my period, but thought I better let the nurse in on what was going on. She then went on to tell me that those things weren’t always bad, and that as long as I wasn’t bleeding then it could be good. I left the doctor’s office so confused and full of false hope. I mean I had already told myself that it wasn’t going to be this month, but then she gave me hope which was VERY scary.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BORE YOU TOO BADLY, SO I WILL POST AGAIN TOMORROW W/ THE REST!