2 Weeks Down, 2 To Go!!!

Two weeks ago today I found out that my eggs were all on the bad side AGAIN, and I would have to wait one month before we would have the possibility of getting pregnant. The last two weeks have gone by a lot faster than I thought they would, but normally the first 2 weeks go by the fastest, it is the next 2 weeks that I will be counting down the days to find out again.

I have been having some cramping and it doesn't feel good. I know I should be starting my period anyday now, so I am hoping it gets here soon to get this process started again.

Jeremy ends his "Biggest Loser" competition today. He has lost 50 pounds in the past 3 months. I am so proud of him. The guy that he is really close w/ didn't show up for the weigh-in, so if he doesn't show up by the end of the day Jeremy will win by default, even though I think he would have won anyway. I can't believe he has lost so much weight. He did this same thing about 4 years ago, and so I hope this time he is able to maintain his healthier lifestyle & work-out regimen.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs (non-IF) about a baby with cancer. He had his second bone marrow (I think) transplant a couple months ago, but still hasn't completely recovered. In the past week or so he hasn't been doing good at all, & last night that had to put him back on a ventilator & they said only 50% of the kids come off of them alive. I can't imagine watching my one year old suffer like that for a year straight. So please say a prayer for them & everyone suffering from diseases like that.

We are going out to dinner tonight w/ Jeremy's family. I am excited, we are going to this Japanese Steakhouse that we love, & Jeremy will actually get to enjoy fattening food. The only problem is I have severe stomach issues when I eat certain foods & anything I eat at this place sends me straight to the restroom. I wasn't even able to make it all the way home one time, we had to stop halfway there. It is pretty sad & kind of embarrassing b/c we always have to skip out right away otherwise I am in BIG trouble. By now his whole family knows about my stomach issues, but it is still embarrassing. I think my biggest problem is that I am lactose intolerant and yet I still inhale anything & everything w/ dairy products. Probably not the smartest idea, but I can't help it. I love food. Jeremy was laughing at me not that long ago, b/c someone was saying how cheese constipates you. I was arguing w/ them telling them that cheese sends you straight to the bathroom w/ diarrhea. We finally decided that cheese just sends me directly to the bathroom, but it does actually clog most people up. Interesting, the things you learn.

I think that is it for today! Have a great Monday.
Beth

A New Woman

So I reread my post from yesterday & decided that I am feeling very sorry for myself lately. I watched "Medium" a week or so ago & the MIL had cancer & she was saying that being positive is 60% of the battle. I am taking her philosophy & going to try to live by it. I am so blessed and sometimes I know it is easy to focus on the negatives in ones life, but I am going to try to celebrate my positives.

Positives in my life:
1. I am very happily married to someone who loves, cares, trusts, & respects me. He is someone that can make me laugh & smile in my lowest moments & I do not know where I would be without him!!!

2. I have a great family that ALL live in the same metropolitan area as me. Most people aren't extremely close with their family & even some that are don't always have the opportunity to live close by & see their families weekly, and I feel so blessed that my family is in my everyday life!!!

3. I have a really cute & lovable dog. I never had a dog growing up, and never really liked them as a matter of fact, and really don't know if I still do (except mine). She has brought a type of happiness & laughter in my life that I had never experienced & I am so glad to be able to play & snuggle w/ her each & every day.

4. I have GREAT in-laws. I know not everyone is that lucky. They love & care about me like I am one of their own. They always have my best interest at heart, and are always giving and never asking for anything in return. They are some of the most thoughtful people I have ever meant & feel so blessed that I get to be a part of their family.

5. I have a job I enjoy & I am good at. My job isn't what I went to school for & isn't what I planned on doing, but I am very happy. I am able to have a 9-5, Monday-Friday schedule w/o working holidays which is SO important to me. I had always wanted to be a homicide detective or CSI which both would have made me work weekends & holidays. Being the sentimental & sensitive person that I am, I always worried about being left out for family events & holidays. I am glad I don't have to worry about that. I also just really enjoy what I am doing right now. I like the people I work with & I feel that my intelligence is needed & that always makes you feel good.

6. I have great friends. I have always admired my parents for having a large group of friends that they still get together with monthly, and usually weekly. They have always thrown parties & gatherings & I always looked forward to that as an adult. Here I am, an adult, and I have found that I have what I always wished for. Jeremy & I are extremely close with a group of about 15-20 people & we do alot together. I am just so grateful for all their friendships & really look forward to growing old & up with them all & all of our children!!!

7. My family & friends are healthy. I have faced very little tragedy in my life & for that I am forever grateful to God. I am so thankful for my health & the health of my family & friends. Some have had bumps in their roads, but all have been able to get through them & are alive today.

I was really needing to see all the things that I am grateful for. I am going to be able to look back on this list when I am having a bad day & know that tomorrow is a new day!!!

Thanks for listening!

Have a great day!
Beth

Getting Involved

So I have taken my mom's advice & started to get involved. First off I joined a kickball team. A friend of mine asked me last week & very wearily I accepted. I figure why night take a leap of faith & do something so out of my realm. I am very excited & VERY NERVOUS. I am not the type of girl that likes balls flying at her face. I even have to admit up until yesterday, the whole time I was thinking that kickball was dodge ball. I am embarrassed to say that, but so thankful that it isn't dodge ball. I actually feel a lot calmer about the signing up now. It is a little stressful to think that my team won the last 2 seasons though. Yikes.

I also went to church on Sunday. I know you are thinking, here I am being a C&E (Christmas & Easter) Catholic. But I didn't even go w/ my rather large family like usual. I didn't think anyone was going so I talked Jeremy into going to one by our house w/ me. I was really proud of myself until we sat down & there were children everywhere. It was like they were suffocating us. I tried to keep it to myself, so Jeremy wouldn't know how uncomfortable I was, but then he leaned over and said "there are so many children." He was feeling the same way I was. Sometimes I forget that he is hurting too. I feel bad b/c he has the job of being my support & sometimes I am unable to do that for him. Sometimes I just feel like he doesn't get to express his feelings b/c they might cause more emotional chaos to my life & well that just isn't fair to him. I held back tears throughout the whole mass & day as a matter of fact, but all in all it was a good Easter. When I told my mom we recognized a lot of people there & were glad we went, she did one of those "you see." Like "I told you so" but w/o saying it. Sometimes I wish she didn't seem like such a freaking angel.

I just spoke w/ one of my best friend's from college. She knows what is going on w/ Jeremy & I. She had emailed to ask how the baby making was going, and then signed the email that they would start trying this summer. I emailed her back saying that still a no go for the baby factory & that I would be praying for them. I am excited for her b/c I know she is excited. But it makes me feel more pressure that I need to get this factory up & running & fast before everyone around me is pregnant & I am still baby less. I know that is unfair to all of my friends & family, and I will be so excited for them & their children, but I just hope no one minds that I will also feel a little sorry for myself. I know that is stupid, but I don't know how to feel differently, you just can't make the pain go away b/c you feel selfish. I know I am selfish, but I also feel like I am experiencing how life isn't fair. Okay enough of the pity party, I think I just so tired of waiting, but so are all of you.

Well, 1 week down & 3 weeks to go until I find out if I am able to do IUI #2 take 3 next month. I hope, I pray, I wish!!!

We are going to my college town this weekend b/c my nephew made state for wrestling, he is 11. My sister, husband & I are so excited b/c of all the great restaurants there. I swear I love food as much as Jeremy sometimes. I think my sister & I have plans for breakfast, lunch, dinner & snacks & all at different places. We don't want to miss anything. I can't wait.

Well have a great Hump Day. I will try to be a better blogger.

Beth

I didn't forget about you all.

So I have been sick this week & have just completely forgot to blog the last two days. I don't feel good again today, but I have so much to do before my bar coding system training on Monday that I had to come in & probably will tomorrow for a bit too:(

I have been doing well though. No tears shed since Monday so that is always good. Like I said above I have a lot to do, so I better get working, but I just wanted everyone to know I am still alive & kicking.

I'll post again if I have time.

Have a great weekend.
Beth

***

Yuck, I am still at work. I am getting ready to leave, but at least I have made up some of my sick time from this week. So just wanted to say hi again.

Okay I still hope you have a great weekend.
B

Hanging In There.

So I am doing okay today. After the initial shock yesterday and the first hour of sobbing, I haven't really cried since. I really think that I have somehow froze my heart. It feels so surreal that I have to go through another 4 weeks of waiting when that is what I just finished. I know that soon I will break down, I just don't know when.


I added 3 more songs. I added this song by George Strait, "I Saw God Today." I love him & this song. It makes me have faith that good things happen & that God works in mysterious ways. I am really trying to have faith in all of this, but it has been very difficult. I also added by Phil Collins, "You'll be in my Heart." For some reason I have always loved this song, I have always looked forward to someday singing my baby to sleep with it. I just love it, and it makes me feel calm. And then I added by Allure, "All Cried Out." My sister & I used to listen to this song all the time, especially when boyfriends would make us sad when we were younger. But it is how I am feeling currently & so I thought it was appropriate. Hope you enjoy.


I just spoke w/ my best friend a bit ago & she told me this girl we went to school w/ & her boyfriend got pregnant (accidentally obviously). I just couldn't believe how unfair life seems sometimes. And I know my friend cares about my feelings & me, but sometimes I don't think she gets how knowing things like that (girls getting pregnant, that don't even have to try) makes me feel. I just don't know how to tell her that gossip like that she might need to keep to herself until I have a huge belly w/ a baby inside it. I just wish sometimes she were a little more sensitive with my feelings.


I think that I am going to talk with Jeremy about our specific plan for the future. I was thinking about it this morning. I think what I would like to do is do exactly what we have done the past 2 months again next month. Hopefully somebody has just been playing a sick joke on us the last 2 months & next month turns out w/ eggs on the good side. If all the eggs are on the bad side again next month, I think that I will want to try injections for one month in May w/ IUI. We will see how that works. I say that if we miscarry or don't get pregnant then I will go back to Femara for a month or two. If after 2 months if we have all canceled cycles I would want to do injections again. By November if I am not pregnant I would like to try IVF. I know all this seems like I am moving too fast, but if I don't I might be insane or dead (not really) by then. I am just SO TIRED of waiting.

Okay, well have a great day, I am going to try. I am cooking dinner for 2 of my sisters tonight b/c Jeremy bet them that the word for an outside theatre was amplitheatre when it is actually amphitheatre. So somehow I got stuck cooking dinner, but I am a pretty good cook, so it should be fun.

Beth

Maybe Next Month :(

Well I don't have any good news to share. Once again, 2 eggs on the bad side. I am so disappointed & sad. I just can't believe it happened again. I think that I sort of had a feeling & that is why I have been so worked up, but I don't know. She said that we just have to wait & hopefully next month my good side w/ cooperate. I am just so tired of waiting. It is just been a really hard 2-3 months & I was so ready for some hope. I'm feeling a little bit better right now than I did right afterwards, but I know I am just trying to guard my heart. I know the truth is I am so upset, and don't know how I will make it through another month w/ knowing it might happen again (and again, and again).

The doctor said she wouldn't increase the mg of Femara I am taking since it is working, just not the way we want it to. She said the next step would be surgery, but she didn't explain for what. I am guessing to unblock my tube. She also said an alternative would be injections, which is what everyone doing IVF is on, I am guessing. She said the injections would be about $1500 a month plus the u/s and the IUI, so about $2000 a month. So needless to say, my only option right now is waiting & hoping next month works out for me. Jeremy thinks we need to do 3 cycles of IUI before we move on, which I agree, but I thought that would mean 3 months in a row. I never even realized that what is going on right now was ever a possibility.

So yes I am very disappointed & am now ready to fall asleep & wake up in 4 weeks, but I know I will make it through this, I just am wondering how at this point.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments, they really soften the blow of disappointment.

Have a good day!
Beth

Saturday Catastrophe

So this weekend was just okay. Friday night we went over to Jeremy's brother's house so Jeremy could help him hang crown molding. They made us dinner & we went home after that. Saturday we went to my nephew's wrestling tournament (he got third & will be going to state:)), we went & saw my friend's baby, and then we went downtown to participate in all the Big 12 Tournament buzz. All were good times.

After that we met up w/ some friend's by our house & then I decided to meet my little sister out with her friends. I was having a good time, but a little uncomfortable b/c a bunch of girls that I didn't really get along w/ in high school were there. It isn't that we are cordial now, but still a bit uncomfortable. Then I see one of them is early into her pregnancy. I know I shouldn't be bitter, but I was. She is this perfect little being w/ a very attractive husband, they just got married & now she is cute & pregnant. I know I have all those things besides the pregnancy, but I still couldn't help but feel jealous. After one more drink & feeling even more uncomfortable, I started texting Jeremy & telling him that I was a bit sad & wished he were with me. Well this went on for about a half hour. I then saw a guy I went to college with & actually went to high school with his wife (I liked her), she wasn't there so I asked how she was. He preceded to tell me that she was home pregnant. Are you fucking kidding me!!! I swear the whole world is having babies right now except for me (and some of you all)!!! That was my breaking point. I then texted Jeremy that I wanted to go home & cry, when he texted back, "Do what you gotta do, I will see you after 2:30am," mind you, it was probably only 10:30pm at this time, I was extremely upset!!! I pretty much told him to fuck off & that I would be at my parents. He then felt awful, b/c he wasn't trying to be rude in his text, but it did come off that way.

When I got to my parents, I was pretty upset. I talked with my mom for about an hour or so. She helped to calm me down, but sometimes her comments are too motherly. Whenever I am upset about this she always tells me that I need to get involved & that I need to start going to church & that how can I ask for so many favors of God if I am not willing to sacrifice for him. I believe her in all her statements, however, that is not really what I am looking for when I am having that kind of a pity party. I want to feel sorry for myself & I want her to to. I do feel like I should get involved & I do feel like I should start going to church, but I don't believe that God is punishing me b/c I am not either. I know she is just trying to help, but sometimes I wish that she would just hug me & cry w/ me.

So I finally decided to go home & Jeremy said he would meet me there. He apologized & I know that he wasn't meaning to be mean, and that he just didn't really know what to say. He is so super supportive all the time, that I know he would never intentionally hurt me like I felt.

So anyway that was my Saturday night catastrophe!!! One funny story about the night is that this lady sat down next to us at our table. She started talking to one of the girl's moms. We all decided that no one knew who she was, but she thought she was part of our group. My sister had bought food earlier in the evening and they hadn't finished the "blooming onion" (not the real name, but like that) appetizer. We looked over and she was eating off the appetizer. My sister was like, "is she eating my food?" We all laughed, I pushed it towards my sister, but she said she didn't want it after the random ate from it. A couple minutes later, after she had helped herself to quite a bit of it, she had asked for a box & put it in a to-go box to take home with her. None of us could believe it. We all were laughing so hard at her & she had no idea. She then took a sip of the friend's moms drink. We had included the waitress on what was going on, so when the random wasn't looking, the waitress threw away the to-go box w/ the food in it. The lady kept asking us, "who took my food?" We all wanted to be like, "No, bitch that was not your food." It was hilarious, it definitely lightened the mood a bit.

Okay so I go for my u/s soon. I am so nervous. I think some of the Saturday night deal was b/c of how nervous I am. I will let you know when I get back.

Wish me luck!!!
Beth

***

So I feel like I am going to throw up. I am so nervous. I can barely stand it. I don't know how I am going to make it through the next couple hours. I really hope I get good news today.

B